Rock bottom it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. It has got me out of my depression.
I write about it because of a conversation about mental health.
Even if you don’t have a diagnosis to qualify you as being in need is incredibly important.
And it is not a topic about which people talk straight from the shoulder.
We need to talk about it constructively as opposed to capitalizing on it.
And when you’re in a dark place- what else is there to do but talk- talk to a close friend, or just let it out by any medium.
I fell into a small pit of depression again recently as life began to get too much.
So I’m writing about it in an attempt to help anyone who needs this.
So anyway, the type of depression I felt a year ago was more childlike.
I didn’t know what to do, I wasn’t sure who I was, I didn’t know what I wanted.
Things were not going right as I wanted them to be.
So many questions, not enough answers, and that made me want to give up.
Depression It’s Not Talked About Enough
I had given up.
The depression I felt wasn’t a complete loss but it was burnout, which so many adults suffer from because it’s not talked about enough.
It’s the feeling of having so much to live for but no motivation to live it.
Knowing that leaving would break your family’s heart.
Knowing that if you could just find some will to live you’ll eventually find something which will give you a reason.
But the longer you spend with time ticking over, the sand timer slowly draining all your energy and strength, the more you become a shell of a person.
The more you think, “what good has it done to have come this far?”, the more you lose hope.
You can have all the strength in the world, but for me at least, I think the tipping point of it all is self-concept.
Back when I went through things, I was fighting.
I felt like I was winning because life hit me with something and I could handle it.
I was studying and socializing and writing, I was finally able to focus.
self-indulgenCE AND Isolation
I was improving my mental state and health to a huge extent.
What kept me going was my self-concept.
Knowing that I was doing a good.
Knowing that I could be proud of myself for not sinking and brushing off what had happened like it was a minor blow.
As time went on, I resumed back to trying to sort my life out long term.
With sorting my life out came pressure.
I have a lot of improvements to make in my life, and I feel like I’m running out of time.
I’m doing my best but my best never feel good enough because my situation doesn’t seem to change.
I still go home to the same place, the only change being talking about everything has made them understand what I was going through, they came out to be supportive.
But, this doesn’t lift the weight off your back, you cannot stop seeing yourself like a self-indulgent, isolated, terrible person with nothing to offer anyone.
I Don’t Want Them to Bear the Burden of My Sad Thoughts
Then, there’s the whole ‘fading into the background’ thing.
I go out with my friends but I am sad when I go home.
I don’t talk about how I am sad when I go home because I don’t want them to bear the burden of my sad thoughts.
I don’t want to be that tragic little figure that people hang out with out of pity; I’m the funny one.
I make the jokes and do stupid stuff and share my clumsy stories and I laugh a lot.
If I’m not that people will get tired of me.
I can’t be like that for more than 5 minutes and I have to end every semi-negative sentence with “It’s fine though, all fun and games”, or else I am an awkward and negative burden.
Alternatively, you speak to people about your problems and you know full well that they can’t do anything about it.
They can’t move in with you to keep you company or get you back on the track.
And despite being offered a shoulder to cry on or someone who’ll listen and not judge.
You cannot just open up or don’t want to share because it feels like you’re being a burden in their space.
Burdens, Friends, and Loneliness
You will become a burden and then you have lost a friend.
And then you are not only depressed and suicidal but you’re also alone.
So you eventually just stop talking about it, and you feel like you’re slowly dying a bit.
You’re on autopilot.
Keep busy, go out, deprive yourself of things you feel won’t fit in your life right now.
What good will talking do?
But also how can I keep going when I feel like my legs are falling off and my stomach is in my throat at all times.
And I’ve started bursting into tears at public places.
So that meant I, like many, felt like I was suspended in thin air.
If I have anything to write about from this experience which I can offer someone else; it is this.
“Take A Day.”
A Spontaneous, Surrendering Day
Not a planned day where you put pressure on yourself to have a nice time, but a spontaneous, surrendering day.
I know you won’t ‘take a day’ because I told you to if anything you’re probably gonna sit there rolling your eyes and be like- “fucking not this again, you don’t understand, I can’t take a day, it won’t fix my problems!
It won’t cure my depression.
It won’t put me back on my tracks by tomorrow and get rid of all of my traumas.”
And yeah, you are right.
They were my excuses too.
For me, I seem to have to reach the point where I either mentally or physically cannot seem to go on before I “take a day”.
The last time I did this I missed my college for two weeks and went away with a friend for 11 days before befriending a group of people who weren’t the best for me.
Needless to say, that contributed to my reluctance to ‘taking a day’.
This time around, I had a psychiatrist’s appointment before college, came out crying because she told me there was nothing she could do and booked in to see a different psychiatrist which resulted in me calling in sick.
I Can Not Stand the Thought of Being Alone Crying
Seeing as I had several free hours to fill and I could not stand the thought of being alone crying in the parking or bathroom, I reached out to all my friends.
I told them what the deal was so that they were on the same page, I asked for help, and that was my day.
It wasn’t a special day, I was just running errands with people I love, but it was what I needed.
A day out of the ordinary where I didn’t feel alone.
That was all I needed to see that 1) people actually want to be in my company, 2) There is a life outside of my depressed mind and desperate attempts to escape my life, and 3) there is kindness in this world worth staying alive for.
Side note- Something I will stubbornly stand by for the rest of my days is that there is NO shame in talking about being at breaking point.
If I hadn’t had been so public about how I felt, I might have still been feeling the same for weeks.
I personally refuse to be ashamed.
And anyone who winces at the thought of being so open is not to be listened to
Because they are suffering in silence and could do with some help themselves.
They just aren’t ready for it yet.
There’s always someone who will show you a random act of kindness.
There Are Always People Who Care
Often in this scary adult world it feels like everyone’s forgotten, everyone’s too busy, nobody cares enough.
But there are always people who care. Not about what you wear or how you look or whatever when it comes to that stuff I guarantee you that no one cares.
But they care about you not feeling good.
Even if they’re in the background of your life.
Someone you don’t know very well might show you a random act of kindness that ends up inspiring you to go on.
A friend may pick you up in her car at 1 am because she couldn’t sleep, you texted her saying you were sad, and you chat yourself out of misery knowing that you’re not all alone.
And in turn, your little acts of kindness mean the world to others.
Surprise! you’re not useless.
Your offering to dye your friend’s hair or post something for them is a small act of kindness that makes their life easier.
And their gratitude for your favor might be as irrationally huge as the gratitude you have for a stranger on the street giving you a tiny compliment on a bad day.
These people can’t fix your problems, but people are all we’ve got
Sometimes being shown that there is something to be grateful for is what you need.
Not told that there is something you should feel grateful for.
Actually seeing it and feeling it. Feeling that sense of knowing you can give back.
Not being too busy feeling guilty for not having the capacity to see it.
It’s not your fault that you haven’t been able to see kindness.
The day isn’t gonna put you out of your misery.
But it can show you a side to the world that drives you to carry on.
It’s just a relief.
That’s all you need sometimes.
Just remember who you are, who surrounds you, how your place in this world is valued.
It’s okay to ask for help.
People don’t understand things from your point of view.
But the more you talk the more people who understand you will come forward.
Learning to accept kindness is a process, but if there is one thing I urge you to do: