I know who I am, or at least I used to know who I was; my greatest fear, my favorite things in life. But there was once a time so dark I failed to recognize the things and people around me as meaningful and lovely.
Worse, I failed to recognize myself.
I didn’t know what got me into feeling this feeling.
I hardly did anything, but I was tired of everything. I was feeling so exhausted to wake up even when I already had more than enough sleep.
Early in the phase, I was able to force myself into believing that this is not forever; that someday, this feeling will go away. I believed I just needed to try harder. To believe harder. Yes, I may hate what I was doing then but there were times I hate what I was doing but I managed to go through the times no matter how bad they ended up being.
Days after days, weeks after weeks, emptiness started filling my soul. As ironic as it may sounds, I fell into this realm of loneliness. I tried to find the meaning of this feeling. I tried my best to explain to myself why I am feeling this way.
Loneliness Is More than What I Thought
“What kind of feeling?” you asked. Well, this is hard. I mean, how do I say this? How do I explain when I felt like everything is nothing when in fact if it is there then it is?
When I thought I already had the worst of thought in mind, it indeed get worse. I felt there is little worth of my existence in this world, if there is any to begin with. I felt I did not affect anything or anyone by being; I kept thinking that I am better off not existing at all.
One day, I began feeling life was not worth living.
There was no more enjoyment in whatever I did.
I could no longer smile, let alone laugh. I could no longer eat normally; food tasted like nothing, if not bad that I would throw up immediately as soon as the food reached my taste buds.
I believed that people hate me. I felt like I will never be enough. I felt like I don’t deserve love from anyone ever. I felt like a sore loser.
Slowly Fading Away
I often got sick so I always excused myself from going to classes. Even if I wasn’t sick, I always go to the clinic to ask for a time slip so that I can excuse myself from having to go to classes. I could no longer pay attention to anything I listened to, let alone showing my interest.
I was slowly fading away from everything; from my responsibilities, and from existence.
One day, things started to change. Unfortunately, it was for the worse.
I felt very uneasy about everything. I felt like I was going to fail and fall so hard and so deep no one will ever want to help pick me.
I started feeling nervous and more nervous as days passed by. Like everything will fail. Like nothing will ever be right.
My heart started to pound faster and faster. It was beating harder and I can feel it beating so hard I didn’t even need to touch my chest. It felt more and more painful as days go by. It goes off immediately when I sleep.
But one day, it happened immediately as I woke up. I felt like my heart was going to explode.
Thinking to Jump Out of the Window
My chest was so tight I didn’t know if I can breathe in enough. I was sweating like hell. I felt like this is the end of me. I thought I would cease to exist that day.
Eventually, I did get help after quite some time. I was then on Lexapro once daily and Xanax as a safety net whenever necessary.
But boy, I thought my problem was solved. In the beginning, I felt worse.
Lexapro did no good and gave me no love. I often got too tired but it made me unable to sleep for days. I tried very hard to sleep for more than 2 hours by lying on the bed but I cannot fall asleep. That day, only after half an hour after taking my Xanax I was able to sleep.
But the supply of Xanax was limited; some days I ran out of Xanax before I reach the next appointment. The days without Xanax were so bad that it had driven me crazy. It was so crazy that I even contemplated jumping from the window because at least I can finally end this crazy exhaustion.
I needed a solution. Things just got worse. I was tired of this all. I want all of these to end.
Where I Am Today as I Deal with Loneliness
Those were quite some time ago. Today, I am no longer feeling the kind of feelings I used to feel. I believe I am enjoying life more than ever since the first time it all started. I can finally enjoy the things I am interested in.
I am no longer taking Lexapro.
Although still provided as a safety net, I rarely take Xanax now. I have too much Xanax that I am no longer given more of it. I am glad about how I am feeling now. No matter what medications I am on now, they contributed to making me feel normal again with the help of supportive family members and friends.
At times, deep down, I am still afraid that I go down that loneliness void again. But from what I have learned, I have to be able to give myself a break. I have to hit the pause button as I never know how tomorrow could be, or how next months would change me.
I will face bad things in life.
But I have got to learn to believe that things can get better if we allow them to take their course. I am glad I am still alive.