Do you hate your husband sometimes?
I mean, not the hate, but the roll-your-eyes-and-make-a-bitch-face hate.
Especially when he makes some stupid statements about you, the kind that makes you widen your eyes, give him the you-gotta-be-shiting-me look?
I know I do.
Sometimes I even want to bend him over and spank his ass until I turn from being mad to being horny that’s weird too.
But seriously, I mean, he has some stupidly false assumptions about me.
And the most ironic thing is, I told him many times his assumptions were wrong, but he still locks those ideas into his mind.
What the heck is going on?
He thinks I love grocery shopping
For some strange reasons, whenever we debate on who would go shopping when the other keeps our little boy, he always says: “you can go, because you like it better”.
I mean, I like going to the supermarkets and look at stuff, especially some crackers and chocolate, and pretend that I am eating them without having to buy them.
And I also like to stand in front of the cookies shelf for hours to read all of their ingredients then later leave without buying any.
But I fucking hate shopping for groceries.
Especially when I cannot buy the cheese crackers I want and stuff my face in it because I try to eat a little bit more healthily.
He thinks I have more patience than him to fold our clothes
My husband totally kicks assess both his, mine, and our son’s when it comes to taking care of our little boy.
But he prefers to sit next to a pile of dry clothes for days and go through them many times to find his clothes than actually fold them and put them away.
He says he has no patience to do that while I do.
Ok you big sexy ass.
I hate folding clothes.
I do that because I hate making room to put our asses on the couch.
And I don’t like our son seeing what a shitty and dirty house that he’s got!
He thinks I don’t like going out and having some time alone without my kid
As the man who takes care of his child all day long, he is the man.
Like, the fucking awesome and totally out-of-this-world type of dad.
But damn, he knows how to complain about it.
After I come home from work, and I quote, “you don’t have to take care of Ethan all day, that means you are relaxed”.
He wants me to pay 100% attention to our son to the rest of the day because he’s been with our son all day.
Hello daddy, mommy can use some breaks some time too.
He thinks I know what’s for dinner as soon as we woke up from our nap
On rare weekends that we take naps together, we become loopy after we wake up.
And many times we keep going through the day, forgetting dinner needs to be cooked.
And he always asks me what I will cook for dinner.
Or even better, he asks when he gets hungry.
I mean, don’t you see that I was sleeping next to you the whole time?
He thinks I know where things in the house are
Where is the comb?
Where is my card?
Where is the cheese cutter?
We are out of diapers.
Where are they?
Hey, you didn’t tell me to buy any.
Where is Ethan’s vaccination record?
Where is his pill?
Where is his diaper rash cream?
Okay, apparently I don’t stay at home most of the time, but I am the housekeeper.
He thinks I can do paperwork but he can’t
When we registered for our marriage in Vietnam, he let me take care of the procedures and paperwork, because it’s in Vietnamese.
Yeap totally makes sense.
But when I applied for a USA visa to go there for a trip, I did it.
Hmm, okay fine.
When we applied for Ethan’s USA birth certificate, I the Vietnamese one did it.
He thinks I can read better than him
Sometimes I wonder if my husband knows how to read.
When we went to the restaurants, he asks me what’s in the menus, even they are written in English.
So hey English teacher, can you read?
He thinks I’m a master chef
I do feel very flattered as my husband thinks I’m a Master Chef.
Or at least, that’s how it seems.
He takes random stuff out from the freezer, and he wants me to turn it into a delicious meal.
He can take the fish out of the freezer, and he is done with his job.
Later he will complain if my food is not delicious enough.
He thinks I like to collect trash from the sink, as I do it a lot
He likes to put the trash into the sink, or toilet, or somewhere else except the trash bag.
The sink is like 2 feet away from the trash bag, but he still puts his trash there.
I think he thinks that I like it or something.
He thinks I don’t like to have sex after a late working night
Ok many times I get turned on for no reason.
Even after hours of working at work and at home.
It’s nice to come to bed with a man who is waiting for you with a full erection.
Do you think I get it all the time?
When I come on the bed, next to my son is his dad, either snoring loudly as f’k or scrolling down through too damn many
When I try to touch him and turn him on, he says, “honey, you need to rest”.
Hmm, excuse me? I
don’t need that f’king rest. In fact, I want to get some freaky time.
Don’t tell me if I need to rest or something.
I know what I need and when I need it.
Don’t you dare decide for me?
Mai Pham, she is documenting her daily life as a new role of a mom at mommyinstinct.com