I must confess I’m addicted to meth and sex. At first, it was just an addiction to sex or meth independently. But now, I would only have sex if I’m on meth and vice versa.
Now, I’m in the early phase of recovery.
This is that story.
I come from a religious family with strong traditional religious beliefs
Therefore, my upbringing was also affected by those strong values.
As pious Muslims, my parents taught me the rules based on Islam’s religious teachings. As a boy, I have to be attracted to girls. Adultery is a sin. Adultery is prohibited, so does sex out of wedlock. And of course, having sex with boys, let alone getting married to a man, is out of the question.
My parents, particularly my father, was very strict with these rules. He is one of the most religious men I have ever known in my life. He’s so religious and so strict that he once threaten if one of us, his kids commit adultery, we are cut off from the family.
These are the rules in my family. Don’t be gay and don’t have sex with the person you are not married to yets. And don’t have sex with a person of the same gender.
But I believe, stating how my parents are against homosexuality and adultery as religious early on does not do justice to the definition of religiousness itself.
Because when someone is said to be religious, is it just about being strict against the idea of homosexuality and adultery? I don’t think so.
But the reason I put that early on is that I want to emphasize how strict my parents’ beliefs are regarding these aspects.
However, it did not do justice to the core of being religious in Islam or most religions; it is about love, family, and protecting those that are close to us.
As a kid, I was brought up to be a good Muslim
- I was taught the basics of Islamic faith, the oneness of God, the prophet Muhammad, other earlier prophets up to Adam, and the behaviors of a good Muslim, to name a few.
- I also went to an Islamic religious school where we learn many aspects of the Islamic faith and rituals more thoroughly as well as learning to recite and memorize some of the verses for the Quran.
- Apart from that, my upbringing was also about being an obedient Muslim son to his parents. I was taught to respect my parents and protect my family’s dignity at all costs.
I did my best to be the best obedient Muslim son to my parents and to protect my family’s honor. But inside myself, I was always conflicted to overcome my feeling towards boys.
Since I was seven, I have always known I’m attracted to boys. I like to see them without their shirts on. I sometimes keep some pictures of male models from magazines and I fantasize about being with them.
But the thing about being a good Muslim son to his parents is I cannot humiliate my parents. I don’t want my parents to be ashamed of having a son like me, liking boys even when I know I can attract girls if I wanted to.
My life was all about pleasing my parents. I didn’t know how to exist in a world with my parents not being proud of me. I don’t know how to live without my parents approving my being.
So, I just keep it a secret. I can’t afford to live like a pariah because of what I like. Because I love my parents so much, I believed, the didn’t have to know.
In general, early on as a teenager, I was not a sexually active kid. But I was always curious to try out. But I just did not know how to express myself sexually.
Also, studying in a religious boarding school making feel more embarrassed to talk about my sexuality. Everyone I knew around me seemed to be straight. We never talk about the possibility that a good Muslim can be gay.
But I couldn’t help it with my curiosity. So I tried out with some of my friends silently while they were sleeping. If one of my friends sleep with me on my bed, I would silently give them a hand job or something under the blanket.
I didn’t know better. I didn’t understand the concept of consent. When they seemed to have an erection and ejaculated, I always assumed that they’d certainly enjoyed it.
That was how I experimented sexually when I was in high school. Nothing much, except the fact that I had a bad assumption that if my friends ejaculated, they were most certainly gave consent.
No matter how much I consumed gay pornographic materials or giving hand jobs to my friends, I was never up for anything penetrative. I just didn’t want to do the “real deal” of gay sex.
Terrible news that change everything
To me, the idea of doing the “actual sex” out of wedlock is out of the questions
It is sinful as a Muslim to do that. Let alone having sex with a guy.
But the real reason I was not to try sex all-out with a guy is that I just could not imagine myself embarrassing my parents if people know that their son is an adulterer, doing it with a guy some more.
Or maybe, I just didn’t want to be cut off from my family for becoming an adulterer. I didn’t want to be thrown off from my own family because I’m gay. I didn’t want to risk that.
But it all changed when one day when I was on a train on my way back to my home for a weekend break, my sister broke horrible news over the phone to me that my father is seeing someone that is not my mother.
I didn’t know how to react at that time. I only called my sister because I wanted her to pick me up at the train station. How could she do this to me? Breaking that kind of news over the phone? Seriously?
I was not ready to process this news. I wasn’t ready to accept that my parents are not perfect. I wasn’t ready to accept that my dad is the kind of dad who cheats. I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that my father is not a good Muslim father.
Days later, it just got worse. My parents fought quite terribly that my mom was ready to attack the woman my father is seeing with a big kitchen knife. I held my mom’s hands and I did not let go because I just didn’t want anything bad to happen to both that woman and to my mom.
My terrible eldest sister who broke the bad news to me over the phone, well, she just slammed her room’s door repeatedly as a sign of protest. But that just irritated my dad even more. My dad was ready to attack her.
After that, my mom and I begged my father not to attack my sister. “Please, dad. Please don’t do that! Don’t you love me anymore? Think of God, dad. Please, dad!” I cried loudly.
My memory about what happened afterward just faded. I’d rather not relive it. The only thing I remember is that I couldn’t sleep that night. I remember telling myself, I can no longer live in this house. I was just not ready for this. I need to leave.
So, the next morning, I left my house silently with my bike back to Kuala Lumpur.
Several days after that, at my place in Kuala Lumpur, I just thought, my parents no longer love me. They have a bigger problem than to care about me. My dad is a guy who cheats, so he certainly cannot be a good Muslim.
So why must I be a good Muslim anymore?
With the neighborhood knowing that my dad cheats, what family’s dignity left for me to protect? I might as well try out things I wanted to try.
I want to know who I am, sexually.
So I installed Grindr on my phone and tried to see if there was someone interested in meeting up with me. I learned some of the lingos, for example, “fun” doesn’t mean just like having regular fun.
Anyways, long story short, I found someone interested in me. I met up at his house in Cheras. We both then went to his room. I sat nervously next to him on his bed, not knowing what to do.
After a while, he asked me, “Don’t you want to do anything with me?”, while smiling suggestively at me. So I made a move. I immediately kissed his lips. So yeah, there went my first kiss, to a stranger I met on Grindr.
Then you know, I had my first blow job, and we had sex. I didn’t want to get into the details of the sex because I don’t think it would be appropriate to elaborate here.
I just wanted to share that, officially, I’m not a virgin anymore. I lost my virginity and my first kiss to someone I met on Grindr. Can it be sadder than that?
Since that moment, I can’t stop thinking about having sex. After a guy, I look up for another guy. I just couldn’t stop looking. I thought that my life was almost dependent on sex.
Things just got worse when one day, I found a profile on Grindr that says “CF”, or “chill and fun”. Well, “fun” certainly means sex, so I believed I could try texting him. He then straight the record straight that he only does CF which means “party and play”, or in other words, having sex in drugs. Because I was so attracted to him, I didn’t care and then I told him, I was willing to try anything new.
So that was the first time I was on drugs, and it was for sex. That was the first time I used a meth bong for real. Immediately after taking the first few inhales, I felt an immediate rush through my head. I felt like I was high like never before. It was like an immense joy. I felt so light on my feet like I was flying.
So yeah, I was introduced to an illicit substance to have sex.
But that was not the immediate point in my life when I started to exclusively have sex with drugs or vice versa. It took about a year until I feel like I can only have sex with enjoyment if I take meth.
I must confess I’m addicted to meth
But the thing is, my addiction got worse as time went by. I could not handle the suffering of withdrawals. Therefore, I decided to defer my study for a year. I tried my best to abstain for about a year during my break from my studies.
But after I got back to Kuala Lumpur after my break, I am reminded of how good would it feel to have sex and be on meth again. Then I failed again.
At first, I would only take meth if I was craving for sex. And I would only have sex if I am on meth. But later on, things started going out of control. I started taking meth to relive my stress. When I felt like my confidence was low, I would also be more tempted to be on meth.
At first, I would only take meth 2–3 times in a fortnight. Then, it became 2, 3 times per day. And then, I could not be myself if I was not on meth every day.
If I was not on meth even for a day, I would feel dizzy and I would start crashing emotionally. I hate the crash. So I would take another dose of meth every day.
Things started going south with my studies. Final exams were approaching but I did not study at all, all semester. Instead, I was busy spending my time and allowance on meth and sex all day with different partners, sometimes multiple partners in a session.
I feel like I cannot do this anymore. I cannot take exams like this. I cannot be the guy who abuses drugs just to stay alive. So one day, I made my mind, I went and see my psychiatrist. She then referred me to an addiction psychiatrist in Kuala Lumpur.
Because my craving for meth was too intense, the addiction psychiatrist prescribed me with naltrexone. It has been 2 months since I see him and I have not been using meth since then.
I admit that I still masturbate to relieve the sex craving. But at least, that is still better than having multiple unsafe sex partners.
I don’t know how much longer I can hold on with not having sex and not being on meth. But I believe, I have taken the first few steps to heal.
Right now, I’m seeing two psychiatrists, one for my mood disorders and another one for my addiction. I also have been in several therapy sessions. It is not easy. But at least I have taken some steps. I want to be healthy again.