Judging is an offense to oneself; cause being a witness is easier than being a victim.
Quit it before karma does its job.
I was standing still with immense emotional pain.
And a new sharp blade in my hand from my dad’s shaving pack on the floor of my washroom, near to the sink.
I held my left arm up making a fist to tighten the skin.
And held the blade in the other, vertically straight to strike a bit above my wrist.
I’m a self-harming person but I wasn’t suiciding.
I was trying to divert my brain to feel the physical pain instead of emotional.
I gave 6–7 strokes of the blade on my arm but didn’t get satisfied; therefore, I tilted the blade and went to strike again.
I couldn’t bear that emotional pain in every vein of my body.
I stood and looked at it, I saw the blood coming out slowly like a baby looking out from the window.
And then sprinting out, all at once with the joyful flow.
It didn’t satisfy me either, so I opened the tap and let the water run with its fully capable speed.
I Welcomed Immense Physical Pain
And brought my hand under the running water.
And there it was; immense physical pain.
I welcomed it with all the doors of my heart wide open and embraced it with silent screams.
I repeated the process over and over until all I could feel is physical pain.
My silent screams were better than the quietness of my brain; because the quietness was louder inside the walls of my brain, breaking me down and silent screams were letting it all out.
But all I could remember was the girl from the past, somewhat 4 years ago.
4 years ago from the day I bleed my hand
Like any other day, I walked in the corridors with a heavy bag on my shoulders and happily entered my class.
It was a usual day in my life but something was troubling her; she stood near the window, surrounded by her friends who were comforting her and wiping her tears.
She wasn’t my friend; therefore, I didn’t join her friends to calm her down.
But tried to observe from far to acknowledge what was exactly happening.
I heard somethings, I saw somethings.
And interpreted from my observations gathered by continuous stare around her.
Judging Her Cutting
I saw a cut in her hand; I heard her saying that her parents got to know about her relationship.
And they are punishing her by putting restrictions, whatever.
I honestly felt cringed of her; I questioned myself that how can a girl hurt herself for mere a boy.
I felt disgusted by her and judged her character.
I saw her disloyalty towards her parents and tears for some nowhere guy.
I was in high school then and now after 4 years, standing with cuts in my hand.
4 Years After and Blood in the Sink
And blood in the sink all I could imagine is that girl.
And feel that how stupid I was to judge her for something I didn’t even know completely.
Standing there I looked in the mirror and saw her in me.
I harmed myself cause my parents got to know about my relationship.
And I was punished but I didn’t cut my hand for the guy.
I harmed myself to divert from that internal pain by giving an external one.
Pledge to Stop Judging
I realized my judgment towards her and I pledged to not judge anyone ever again in my life.
I felt her pain and could understand her actions.
I felt glad to the situation cause it made me learn a life lesson that I wouldn’t have learned until I haven’t experienced the same.
Life becomes easier when you stop judging; then it doesn’t matter what others think about you cause you know, whatever you’ll do they’ll gonna judge but will never understand or feel what you felt.
No matter what you do, there will always be someone unhappy with you.
I don’t know how similar is the story of her and mine.
Don’t Judge Me Until You Walk In My Shoes
But that was the first time I experienced the meaning of ‘don’t judge until you walk in their shoes’.
It made me realized that even if you know the whole story from bits to pieces; you have no right to judge a person until you walked in the same shoes.
Knowing may help you to understand the story but you’ll never be in the position to feel it until the same happens to you.
Trust me, when I say, karma is a bae-itch. Better, keep your side clean with it.
The importance of cactus in my life precedes the importance of love; cause the thorns of cactus will hurt me certainly but there is no certainty about love.