I remember feeling so much rage directed toward, my father.

After every outburst of pure rage, I will feel relief like something has been released.

To someone watching on the sides, the magnitude of my reactions looked excessive.

I on the other end, I almost always failed to notice these outbursts of rage.

I was always told after.

Why did you react with so much rage?

A search for the cause of these episodes of rage pointed to the past.

But all the things that I remembered I refused to accept as the cause of this rage.

How could they?

I was a part of a relationship that was manageable.

So the thoughts that there might be damage caused in the past.

Showing its effects now was something I could not accept.

I kept ignoring those little things I could observe from the past.

Some I remembered vividly, what I was wearing, how I was feeling, what was happening.

But they were small things.

But why do I feel so much rage?

I’m trying to put together some of the things, that have taken me a while. To have the courage to say out loud. I dare not say I am a good storyteller but please be patient with me.