I remember feeling so much rage directed toward, my father.
After every outburst of pure rage, I will feel relief like something has been released.
To someone watching on the sides, the magnitude of my reactions looked excessive.
I on the other end, I almost always failed to notice these outbursts of rage.
I was always told after.
Why did you react with so much rage?
A search for the cause of these episodes of rage pointed to the past.
But all the things that I remembered I refused to accept as the cause of this rage.
How could they?
I was a part of a relationship that was manageable.
So the thoughts that there might be damage caused in the past.
Showing its effects now was something I could not accept.
I kept ignoring those little things I could observe from the past.
Some I remembered vividly, what I was wearing, how I was feeling, what was happening.
But they were small things.
But why do I feel so much rage?
I’m trying to put together some of the things, that have taken me a while. To have the courage to say out loud. I dare not say I am a good storyteller but please be patient with me.