What do anxiety attacks feel like? And what I do to deal with it as a writer comes in different forms. But a typical day at my house begins with loud punk music followed by some local filter coffee and meditation.
I need to meditate, my therapist suggested various ways to amplify my boring meditation routine. I am a writer, hence she suggested closing thy eyes and think about thy characters.
All of this meditation, mental peace, freedom of expression is not important because I am a writer, but because I have a history of panic attacks and quite severe ones.
What do anxiety attacks feel like?
As a writer, my family was skeptical about me choosing this career as it requires a terrible amount of emotional fluctuation.
I have to attach empathy, anger, anguish, melancholy, resentment, grudge, and what not to my storyline. And all these emotions are bitter and to quote the doctor “quite disastrous for you”.
After I had my first couple of attacks and my doctors confirmed epilepsy, I was quite hysterical.
A 16-year-old was not even sure of how to deal with mental health issues, teenage stuff, studies, peer pressure, and expectations.
Anxiety attack what to do as a writer
My mom suggested I should start documenting every harsh feeling that hits me. Wrote some extremely disturbing poems about my sorrows back then, but turned out it started affecting me even more.
Dad suggested I should drop that and get my subconscious into computers. Everything was going good with computers. I even landed a decent job with a decent salary. No troubles, no emotions, no anxiety attacks.
Until one day when my manager scolded me for having an opinion and called my creativity stupid. They asked me to stay back and do the leftover work of another colleague. I felt insulted and panicked, for the first time in 4 years has anything made my heart sink.
I quit a job where my creativity will never be acknowledged. It took me a couple of months to figure out that writing has always been there for me. My writing was there when I felt my weakest and darkest. So I wrapped the blanket of words once again, for the warmth I needed was only available at the pen’s tip.
How is it going?
I have the writer’s curse, and an extolled history of anxiety attacks. This concerned my family, but this time they were ready to gamble it all for my happiness.
The satisfaction, the adrenaline, the comfort, and the hope; I lost all of this because of the fear of panic attacks. I got everything back with the bonus of acknowledgment and money. I am moody and imperative, a combination that has resulted in some massive writer’s blocks.
But my conviction to curb my mental disorders has made writer’s block a rare guest nowadays. I am still afraid to pen down pieces that I can relate to; a poem about mental illness almost fumed me. I have devised solutions for my problems now. I try to have a break whenever a story hurts me mentally.
In most instances, I will switch to a different article or watch Netflix, to calm my thoughts down. I have a wonderful rescue dog, Gracious, and she helps me a lot. I can have endless hugs from her and she even models as my muse. I mostly write on social issues and some really hit hard, but what is a writer without the ability the feel his/her characters?
How will it continue?
The words, “A best-selling author” should precede my last name in the coming 5 years. The journey will be tumultuous and excruciating, and I might get another panic attack.
The fear of getting one will not hinder me anymore. I am not harsh on myself and I let my entire body feel every little thing. The freedom to admit my mental illness has somehow converted itself into a cure. The more I talk about it, the lighter I feel. Some of my poems are very dark and archaic, and they gave me my fair share of sleepless nights. But now I have learned to let it loose.
Mental health issues are veiled by societal judgments. Not everyone can gather the courage that some of us have. As a writer, I feel it is essential to throw light on the fact that mental illness is not something to be ashamed of.
So many writers around the globe deal with mental health issues. They weave the entire writing industry in a way that some writers get entangled. Rejections and criticism are waiting with a chainsaw to dismember the vitalities of any writer. Everyone’s fight is the same, but the weapons may differ!
Leave a Reply