Why do I feel lonely all the time even with friends? Moving out for college, I was full of optimism.
Of course, being the worrier I am, I had some doubts.
However, I had decided that I was going to live out that college experience filled with friends, fun, and sleepless nights. I packed my bags, excited for my new adventure to embark on.
By moving away from home, I thought I would somehow become a different person. I would be a social butterfly, involved in a bunch of organizations, and I would still be maintaining a great G.P.A.
Since I’ve moved here, only one of those things is true, and let’s just say it’s not the first two things on that list.
Why do I feel lonely all the time even when with friends? Am I homesick?
My first couple of days were lonely, I barely left my room. However, the first week was nice. I met some people, had lunch, and I felt decently social for my standards, (which admittedly, aren’t high).
Then, I felt the loneliness creep back in along with my homesickness.
Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling — it’s the people and emotions that fill your comfort zone.
I never thought that I’d be someone to get homesick. I’ve moved countless times in my childhood, so I didn’t think that I’d be impacted by another move to college.
Then I realized something. Home isn’t a place, it’s a feeling — it’s the people and emotions that fill your comfort zone. I was missing my security blanket.
Masking my loneliness
I’ve learned how to mask my loneliness over the phone. I tell my family of all the semi-social things that I do. I act as if everything is perfect because I worry that if I don’t do that, it will hurt them. Or maybe, truthfully, I don’t want to shatter my masquerade.
These little lies reassure me that I chose the right college, that I’m doing the right thing. It helps me to sleep better at night, pretending like loneliness is my second nature. At a point in my life, it was — I was used to sitting alone at school.
I was used to being by myself, having little friends. But, then I got comfortable basking in life with my high school friends. I find myself at square one.
Where do I go from here? God only knows.
Making every day as if it’s the only day that matters. I schedule out my life so that I’m so busy that I can’t feel my fears. I don’t dare think about tomorrow because I don’t want to worry about what it will bring. And every night I dream about the past as I slip into the splendor that is home.